i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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