thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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