Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
