I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
