I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
