I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
