He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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