Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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