hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
