I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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