I just made out with a guy for $7.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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