she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
