Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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