Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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