My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
