Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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