All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
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She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
