apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
