the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
