I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
