Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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