you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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