Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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