I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
