just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
