this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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