I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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