Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I am mentally ready for anal.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
