found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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