Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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