Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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