Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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