i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
