But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
