6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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