Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize