He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
