Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
