i would punch a child for taco bell
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
