If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize