Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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