before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
