why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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