Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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