Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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