So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
