Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
