I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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