I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
