I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
