Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How does it feel to date your dad?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
