just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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