i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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