well I can't set my house on fire every night
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
