So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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