so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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