There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
