Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize