I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
