brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
