I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
