Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
