Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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