I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
