There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
